Seasons Change...

I went exploring this morning. I laced up my running shoes, grabbed some gloves and a vest and bounded out into the morning sunlight to see what I could find. It was chilly this morning. In fact there was a frost warning last night, the first of the season. It was a good reminder that seasons do change and that the glorious heat of Summer is fading. I would be really sad if I didn't love Fall so much! This is the end of the first full week of school for my boys. That means it's the end of my first full week of being a stay at home mom. I feel like I should whisper when I say, "I love it." It seems like women are supposed to feel conflicted about abandoning a career or contributing financially to the household. I have felt that conflict before. Even recently I wondered if my self-worth could sustain this decision. I have been a little nervous since Reuben and I made this choice last Spring. But Reuben and I are a team. And one of the most important parts about being a good teammate is understanding your role and the roles of others. If we all try to do the same jobs the team doesn't work very well. So, we choose our teams wisely, divide the workload appropriately, practice a lot, and then trust our teammates. We both agree that I am the best person to take on the full task of mothering our children and all that comes with it. I'm lucky to see eye to eye with my husband on this. I know this is not always the case.

The last school year was not a disaster, but many things were missed or poorly done on my part because I was trying to work enough to help out but not so much that I lost sight of the importance of managing the home well. It proved to be almost futile. We both believe that this year is the year I get to do my mommy gig really well. I'm psyched! I'm grateful. I'm ready. There is much to be done. Many projects await. Not the least of which are baby books for the boys. I'm embarrassed that I haven't done one for either of them. This stuff really matters to me. I have had a hard time reconciling how it is that some really important things haven't been done. Then I take a deep breath and reflect a bit on the last five years or so. Oh, yeah. It's been a lot. It has been overwhelming. That we are where we are is pretty darn good. Then I remind myself to be sure to take some time to appreciate life. So, this morning, I went exploring.

To be honest, I was hoping to come face to face with Bradley Cooper or Ryan Gosling. They are in my City this Summer filming a movie. I understand that they are going to be filming in one of my neighbor's homes two streets over. My curiosity was killing me! I wound my way through the streets so that I would come out right at the house in question. But there was no movie stuff going on today. No matter, I've still got a run to enjoy! I wound further through my neighborhood to the adjacent college campus. It was a beautiful, sunny morning. I ran through campus just as students were changing classes, so the sidewalks were busier than I expected. Most of the students were still groggy and wearing sweat pants or the like. But, a few were smartly dressed and walking with a purpose. I giggled to myself that that was me when I was in college. I felt like dressing for success was always a noble endeavor. In fact, it was no different for me this morning. This cold snap had caught me a bit unawares. But I managed to find my gloves and vest easily enough. Truth is, once I got about a mile into the run I would have been more comfortable without the vest, but I just worked through it and promised to remember that next time. I intentionally left my iPod at home. Today I wanted to hear the sounds of the world. Usually when I run I focus on the run. My music helps me stay on track and on pace. Today I was determined to run an easy run. Unplugging helped that along.

As I ran I listened to my breathing, to the wind, to a church bell chime, to a train in the distance, and to the babbling of our brook. I'm so glad I gave myself permission to take it all in. In this world of competition, excess, and demands it's so important to allow time for play. I like where I am in my life. I like the person I am right now. I like the mother I am allowing myself to be. I like the shift that I'm allowing to happen. The life I have lived lately has been too hard. I'm moving on and leaving some baggage behind. I'm packing up my self doubt, my hopelessness, my dread, my teeth grinding, and my tight-fisted stance. I'm gonna take that baggage and put it down right next to the one marked, "Liesl at 40!" I'm liking 40 so far. I'm gonna run with this bag for a while. It's a lot less heavy.