What to Expect When You Go To the Dentist...with MY son

 I gathered up all my library books today to return. I giggled as I added to the stack, What To Expect When You Go To The Dentist. It was a children's book I checked out because my youngest son had a dental cleaning/check up scheduled and I wanted to remind him what it would be like. It had been some time since he had seen the dentist and I like to be prepared in all situations. I'm that kind of mom. Leave no stone unturned, I'd rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Failure to plan on your part doesn't constitute and emergency on my part. You know, that sort of thing But, yes, I giggled and rolled my eyes. That book certainly did NOT prepare me for the last week of my life.

If that book had been written for me it would have included the chapter:  "What to do when you learn that you are six months overdue for a cleaning." Or, as I like to call it, "It would have been nice to have one of those reminder cards mailed to me."  That would have been followed by the chapter entitled:  "Guess what? You know that mouth that was in pristine condition 18 months ago? Well, you really blew it. Now he has 5 cavities. And one is all the way to the nerve."

It's clear to me that I need to write a different version of this book.  There would be many chapters, but they would be very short.  It would go something like this:

Chapter One -

How To Convince Your Five Year Old That He Wants To Have a Four Inch Needle Plunged Into His Gum-Twice!

Chapter Two-

The Vacuum They Just Put Into Your Mouth Is Nothing Like the One At Home That Terrifies You

Chapter Three-

Pay No Attention To That Huge Chunk of Cotton That Makes You Gag Repeatedly

Chapter Four-

Keep Your Patience As You Repeat This Line Over and Over:  "Open really wide, now put your chin back up into the air.  Oh, now open wide again."

Chapter Five-

Having a Death Grip On Both Your Child's Hands Does NOT Constitute Restraining Him - Honest!

Chapter Six-

There Is No Way We Are Going To Accomplish Our Original Goal Today In the Time We Now Have Left

Chapter Seven-

There Is No Way We Are Going To Accomplish Our Revised Goal Today In the Time We Now Have Left

Chapter Eight-

There Is No Way We Are Going To Ever See Your Child Again - Good Luck!

At this point we get into the real "meat" of the book.  All that other stuff was just to set the tone.  So, it seems appropriate to add a little text.

Chapter Nine-

Welcome To Your Pediatric Dental Specialist!

Even though you have x-rays less than a week old, a temporary filling that is hanging on by a thread, and four more in line behind that one we need to follow our protocol and have you come in so we can introduce ourselves first. Then we'll send you home in the same condition and make you come back again for a REAL visit several weeks later.  I have a "Hello" visit available in six weeks.  See you then!

Chapter Ten-
Let's Expedite This, Shall We?

We have an opening tomorrow.  It's at a really inconvenient time.  Can you come?

Chapter Eleven-

We're So Glad You're Here!

Welcome to the arcade we call a waiting room! Your child will not want to leave-EVER. Not even to see the doctor.  Oh, remember when we confirmed that we take your insurance? Actually, we DON'T. And this is going to cost a small fortune

Chapter Twelve-

It's Time To Meet The Doctor

Actually, I'm the person you see for twenty minutes before you get to meet the doctor.  Now I'm going to show your child a movie that scares him while I make you repeat the answers to the complete medical history you just filled out.  Here's the doctor! Let's build a rapport. Now that we've done that I'm going to suggest that you get this work scheduled as soon as possible   It doesn't matter which doctor it's with.   Yeah, because TWO of those cavities are down to the nerve. Oh, and we probably can't salvage this one with a regular filling. We'll have to cap it, if we can save it at all.  Our rapport thing?  That doesn't really apply in this case.  Just get this kid's mouth fixed before one or more of those babies abscesses!

Chapter Thirteen-

Time To Check Out

Here is a coin for our toy vending machine which only spits out toys you don't want. The ones in the pictures don't even exist!  Here is all the really scary paperwork about the procedure your son needs to have done as soon as possible.  Oh, look!  We have an opening tomorrow!  Guess those folks didn't want to deal with the snow storm that's on the way.  So, before you've had a chance to read over all the material should we schedule this?  Great!  Here's your estimate. We'll need a big chunk of that right now.  Okay, see you soon!

Good luck walking past that arcade again!  Can I get the door for you as you carry your son screaming from the arcade? Have a good one! Don't forget to pick up that prescription we're calling in. You'll need it tonight!

Chapter Fourteen-

Pre-Op:  Step One

Sorry, we don't have that medicine in stock, but we can have it for you tomorrow.

Chapter Fifteen-

Pre-Op:  Step Two

Sure, we can call that into another pharmacy, but the one you want doesn't seem to have a phone.

Chapter Sixteen-

Pre-Op:  Step Three

Now that we have kept you up two hours later than usual so you'll be really sleepy tomorrow it's time for your medicine.  Just take this one teaspoon of liquid and we can all go to bed.

Chapter Seventeen-

Pre-Op:  Step Four

I'll just get those puke stained pajamas off of you while Daddy mops the rest of the vomit off the floor.

Chapter Eighteen-

Pre-Op:  Step Five

Please, please, please swallow this one teaspoon of liquid so we can all go to bed?  How about if I bribe you with another video? One more game? I could yell at you instead? Maybe if I cry you'll take it? I haven't tried threatening you yet. That seems like a good idea at this hour. Of course you're not going to throw up again. (But if you do I'm in big trouble off because we only have enough for one mishap and we've already had that.) You're taking this to help settle your stomach. Please stop wiping vomit on my shirt. I'm guessing that this process was not intended to take 90 minutes to successfully complete.

Chapter Nineteen-

Pre-Op:  Step Six

 

Sorry, no breakfast today. But you DO get to have one more teaspoon of that liquid you loved so much last night. And this time we only have 10 minutes to get this done because we have an active snowstorm, with six inches already on the ground, in rush hour traffic to get through. But don't worry, everything is just great.

Chapter Twenty-

Arrive and Settle In

We're back! This time we brought big brother because school was cancelled due to all this snow.

Hey, there's that arcade again! Sorry you only get to look at it as you walk by because it's time to go back to drink some more medicine I'm sure you'll love.  Let's try to think of some new negotiation techniques. Or how about you just swallow the darn medicine?  Thanks, Big Brother! I love that you're concerned about your little brother, but can you stop asking him if he needs to throw up again?  And it's sweet that you want him to play that game as well as you do, but can you please leave him alone so he can actually fall asleep?  Hold him up so we can take two more x-rays.

Chapter Twenty One-

Pre-Op Pow-Wow

Guess what? We found one more cavity! So that's a total of six. Two that need baby root canals, one that needs a stainless steel cap and three regular old fillings. He's going to need so much Novocaine he won't have the use of his face for much of the day.

Chapter Twenty Two-

You Gotta Let Him Go

Oh, it's time to take him away? And how appropriate that it is at the EXACT moment in the movie when the mother is completely distraught while saying goodbye to her baby boy as he drives away to college. Where are the tissues? I'm a wreck.

Chapter Twenty Three-
Surgery Update Number One

He's doing fine. He's not fighting or anything, but he is yelling at us quite a bit. He's great.

Chapter Twenty Four-

Surgery Update Number Two

Still looking good. He's not fighting, but he's very aware of every little thing we do and he's not too happy about any of it.

Chapter Twenty Five-

Surgery Update Number Three

Almost done. Just finishing up now. Why don't you go sign over the deed to your house while we finish up and we'll bring him out to you in a couple of minutes.

Chapter Twenty Six-
 All Done!

Here is your son, the elephant man. You'll want to carry him to the car.

He is really thirsty. Good luck with that.