Seasons Change...

I went exploring this morning. I laced up my running shoes, grabbed some gloves and a vest and bounded out into the morning sunlight to see what I could find. It was chilly this morning. In fact there was a frost warning last night, the first of the season. It was a good reminder that seasons do change and that the glorious heat of Summer is fading. I would be really sad if I didn't love Fall so much! This is the end of the first full week of school for my boys. That means it's the end of my first full week of being a stay at home mom. I feel like I should whisper when I say, "I love it." It seems like women are supposed to feel conflicted about abandoning a career or contributing financially to the household. I have felt that conflict before. Even recently I wondered if my self-worth could sustain this decision. I have been a little nervous since Reuben and I made this choice last Spring. But Reuben and I are a team. And one of the most important parts about being a good teammate is understanding your role and the roles of others. If we all try to do the same jobs the team doesn't work very well. So, we choose our teams wisely, divide the workload appropriately, practice a lot, and then trust our teammates. We both agree that I am the best person to take on the full task of mothering our children and all that comes with it. I'm lucky to see eye to eye with my husband on this. I know this is not always the case.

The last school year was not a disaster, but many things were missed or poorly done on my part because I was trying to work enough to help out but not so much that I lost sight of the importance of managing the home well. It proved to be almost futile. We both believe that this year is the year I get to do my mommy gig really well. I'm psyched! I'm grateful. I'm ready. There is much to be done. Many projects await. Not the least of which are baby books for the boys. I'm embarrassed that I haven't done one for either of them. This stuff really matters to me. I have had a hard time reconciling how it is that some really important things haven't been done. Then I take a deep breath and reflect a bit on the last five years or so. Oh, yeah. It's been a lot. It has been overwhelming. That we are where we are is pretty darn good. Then I remind myself to be sure to take some time to appreciate life. So, this morning, I went exploring.

To be honest, I was hoping to come face to face with Bradley Cooper or Ryan Gosling. They are in my City this Summer filming a movie. I understand that they are going to be filming in one of my neighbor's homes two streets over. My curiosity was killing me! I wound my way through the streets so that I would come out right at the house in question. But there was no movie stuff going on today. No matter, I've still got a run to enjoy! I wound further through my neighborhood to the adjacent college campus. It was a beautiful, sunny morning. I ran through campus just as students were changing classes, so the sidewalks were busier than I expected. Most of the students were still groggy and wearing sweat pants or the like. But, a few were smartly dressed and walking with a purpose. I giggled to myself that that was me when I was in college. I felt like dressing for success was always a noble endeavor. In fact, it was no different for me this morning. This cold snap had caught me a bit unawares. But I managed to find my gloves and vest easily enough. Truth is, once I got about a mile into the run I would have been more comfortable without the vest, but I just worked through it and promised to remember that next time. I intentionally left my iPod at home. Today I wanted to hear the sounds of the world. Usually when I run I focus on the run. My music helps me stay on track and on pace. Today I was determined to run an easy run. Unplugging helped that along.

As I ran I listened to my breathing, to the wind, to a church bell chime, to a train in the distance, and to the babbling of our brook. I'm so glad I gave myself permission to take it all in. In this world of competition, excess, and demands it's so important to allow time for play. I like where I am in my life. I like the person I am right now. I like the mother I am allowing myself to be. I like the shift that I'm allowing to happen. The life I have lived lately has been too hard. I'm moving on and leaving some baggage behind. I'm packing up my self doubt, my hopelessness, my dread, my teeth grinding, and my tight-fisted stance. I'm gonna take that baggage and put it down right next to the one marked, "Liesl at 40!" I'm liking 40 so far. I'm gonna run with this bag for a while. It's a lot less heavy.

Fun Size!

I've noticed that our retail establishments are replacing the "Back to School" displays with Halloween candy displays this week. I'm good with that. But I can't help but laugh every time I see a bag of teeny tiny candy bars advertised as "FUN SIZE." Really? Eating a candy bar the size of a matchbox car is fun for some people? My idea of fun? Bring that 16 ounce Hershey bar over here. THAT'S fun! You go and enjoy your modest chocolate. I'll be the girl eating the piece that's bigger than my head.

I Love My Husband!

I love my husband. I really, really love my husband. I think he's a great man. I know it's not particularly cool. I know it's more "current" to complain about inadequacies. I know I'm supposed to point out how insensitive he is about something or another. That's just not my thing. I picked what I like, and I like what I picked! Some women call me lucky. There is that. But I also made a point to learn from past mistakes. I knew what I was getting...and it was good! My husband is a gift I gave to myself almost ten years ago. And he's the gift that keeps on giving.

Today is a perfect example. Today is the first day of school for our boys. Ethan started second grade and Reese started kindergarten. Pretty big stuff. They're ready. I'm prepared. And I do this thing right. Not only do both boys have all of their requested school supplies packed in their backpacks, they also have healthy snacks, fabulous lunches, and treats for their teachers (all FIVE of them)! I baked individual apples spice cakes and tied Dunkin' Donuts gift cards to each one for both of their head teachers, a special ed teacher, and two aids. They're all covered. Remember, I said my boys are a handful? This can't hurt. It was shaping up to be a good day. I knew that something was going to be wacky. Couldn't tell you what, exactly, but I was just ready for a shoe to drop. I like the saying, "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best." So, I was ready. When Reuben (my wonderful husband) got home last night he told me he was going in to work late so he can be around to help for the first day. Was I surprised? No. Was I still delighted? You bet! That emotional and physical support made the whole morning so much easier. It was still squirrely. But so manageable. Thank goodness because (here's that shoe I was waiting for) it was raining BUCKETS!!!!! That always makes for hardship, but when each boy has two bags, rain coats, rain boots, puddles up to their shins, and then you add cars full of confused and disoriented people everywhere life can get downright scary. Now, add to that the fact that I also have two bags and a basket full of goodies, which equals no hands for little dudes. Even I, the math challenged girl, know this is a formula for disaster. But with my hubby by my side it was cake. He loaded the boys in the car, took bags without questioning my sanity, and validated my decision to whip around in traffic when the perfect parking spot was on the other side of the street. He even marveled at my textbook parallel parking maneuver. It was amazing, if I do say so myself! It was nice to have a grown up around to appreciate those things today. Small victories go a long way in my life. Reuben celebrates those with me.

We got back to the house and paused just a second to congratulate ourselves on a morning well done. I thanked him for all his help and gave him a smooch. Reuben grabbed his lunch, and a bag of trash on his way out the door. We promised to chat later. Yes, we actually have to schedule that, but that helps make it happen. Then I spied on him as he carved out a temporary drainage ditch for the rain. The deluge had resulted in a bit of a pond beside our driveway. That's my engineer! As he drove away I giggled at the waterfall that gushed from the tailgate of his truck. That's a freakin' lot of rain!!! I'm so grateful I had his help today.

We have done well to guard our relationship over the years. It needs more time than we have to give, but we are doing pretty darn well keeping it warm while we attend to more immediate matters. I think respect and mutual admiration take care of a lot of the holes. But, today, I wanted to take time to publicly love the man I married.